


Losing Face

by ImThatAcroBat



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Don’t Expect Much, Gen, I don’t expect anyone to read this lol, I don’t like tagging, Im tired, It’s choppy but it’s a rant so, Tommy centered except it’s me, bye, felt cute, kind of body dysmorphia, mental crap nothing graphic, might delete later, no self harm, ranting, sorry - Freeform, using Tommy to expose myself rip, weird mental stuff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29322930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImThatAcroBat/pseuds/ImThatAcroBat
Summary: Tommy knew he was annoying. He knew it in the messages he sent his friend and in the words he spoke over the voice chat.ITS JUST ME RANTING THRU TOMMY PLEASE DONT FEEL OBLIGATED TO READ IM DELETING IT SOON LOLLLL
Comments: 3
Kudos: 77





	Losing Face

Tommy knew he was annoying. He knew it in the messages he sent his friend, in the words he spoke over the voice chat. He knew when he told his mum about the new thing he learned at school that he forced her to take out her AirPod or pause her Netflix, and even though she never said anything negative about him, he still heard her sigh or her hesitation when responding because she hadn’t really been paying attention. His dad came to all of his sport matches back in grade school and gave him random bits of cash when he thought Tommy needed it or wanted it. His dad bought him the latest tablets or apple products and Tommy knew that when he went off to college, his dad would cover that too. 

But Tommy also knew that when he was in the same room as his dad or sat in the passenger's side of the car, his father wouldn’t interact with him much. If he did it was about his new job. His dad would be staring at something on his phone (a habit Tommy doesn’t condone while driving) and Tommy would try and make conversation. His dad wouldn’t look up from his phone or acknowledge Tommy for long enough that the teen would eventually return to the contents of his own phone, slightly discouraged but never surprised. Then, his dad would look up at him and ask without much actual interest “what did you say?” He was an inconvenience to him, too. 

At school Tommy had plenty of friends and he often had a good day outside of his failing math class. But he only saw his friends in between classes, certainly not enough time for him to be a bother to anyone. When he gets home, though, his good mood dims, and Tommy feels alone. 

He tells Tubbo how he feels, one day in a private vc, when they both share insecurities late at night. Tubbo is the only person he physically or mentally cannot feel annoying to, a fact he takes for granted. His friend is quick to reassure him and the gentle words work for a while, but all too soon Tommy interacts with another human being and the feeling returns. It doesn’t get brought up again. 

He doesn’t know what triggers it, but self deprecating thoughts begin to devour him nearly everyday. He thinks it’s stupid. Feeling or being annoying isn't the end of the world. Some people don’t have all four limbs, some can’t see- others are sick. He’s selfish. That’s annoying too. 

The mental battle doesn’t end with his conflicting personality. At a little over 190 centimeters and only sixteen, Tommy is aware of his looks. He’s lanky and uncoordinated, sharp elbows and knees are a mild discomfort every time he sits in a desk or seat too small for him. Looking the way he does wasn’t all bad, however. Tommy wasn’t “bad looking”- far from it actually. He has stunning eyes that appear to change colors to match whatever shade of blue he was wearing and Tommy knew that despite his height he didn’t look malnourished or too skinny. Tommy knows this fact each time he looks in the mirror. More often than not he even finds himself to be quite attractive and he overly expresses this to any audience unlucky enough to bear witness to his exaggerated claims of “sexiness”. 

But then Tommy  _ doesn’t  _ look in the mirror. Instead, he lays in his bed or sits at his desk in the quiet. He feels off, and within seconds he finds every second of his existence begins to rewrite itself. His thigh gaps feel too big and he feels like he’s somehow taller than he was just a few days ago. It becomes an obsession. 

No matter where he is, who he’s with or what he’s doing, Tommy is comparing himself to others. It started with the muscular guys on Instagram showing off their abs and Tommy making a small unconscious wish to look like them. Now nearly any guy he sees on the television, walking down the street, or in his classes, he finds  _ something  _ about them that he likes more than himself. 

Tommy quickly becomes the object of his own obsession. He constantly touches his legs, setting them against the bed to let the loose fat spread out, before picking them up again to watch it disappear. He pokes and prods his stomach, and over time develops a phobia of people seeing or accidentally touching it in fear that they will think him too skinny. He throws away pants that hug his thighs. Hoodies become a necessity unless it’s too hot. On the days he can’t wear them Tommy sits in his class and stares at his arms instead of his computer, wondering what they would look like if they were just slightly bigger. 

This goes on for years. It drives the teen mad that nearly every waking thought is consumed by his obsession, but it never stops. He tells Tubbo eventually of course, and besides a couple of unfunny jokes about his body, it’s the first time Tubbo hears of the issue. 

“Have you heard of body dysmorphia, Tommy?” 

The teen thinks he has. He’s never had mental issues before. That’s not to say he’s never been anxious or had depressive episodes, but overall nothing horrible sticks with him. He gets plenty of sleep- relies on it really- and is always the positive and (contrary to popular belief) the mature one of his friend group. It gets Tommy thinking, though, that mental issues go beyond the anxiety and depression mostly associated with the term. He thinks of other odd things he does that most people probably don’t think about. 

Tommy can recall that since he was a kid, he’s seen color at the back of numbers. Little squares of color sit behind them in his brain, the same colors for every number since he was ten or younger. A more recent thing he does that randomly started is putting letters into mental boxes. He visualizes a box in  _ any  _ object. The shape of the existing object really doesn’t matter, and size doesn’t either- but a square or rectangle are most common. Anything from his phone to a poster to even a space heater is fair game. He stares at the shape he’s created and wriggles his thumb under his desk to form the letters that he compacts tightly into the “box”. It’s not voluntary, and it drives him insane. If the word doesn’t fit the first time, he tries again. He never fails more than once. 

One day some people on his discord are discussing mental games and he brings his own up offhandedly. It’s not given special attention, but Tommy doesn’t need it to. Seeing it typed out makes him uneasy. It’s been a thing he’s done for over two years now, and despite being annoying, hasn’t hurt him. He never thought about it as odd. He stops worrying about it soon after- everyone has their own weird “ticks”.

Tommy doesn’t have “good days” and “bad days”. He has good times and bad times- moments that can change his whole mood quicker than should be allowed. His day could start off horribly, but then something clicks and he’s fine. Other days he can go a whole day without feeling anything negative, then he gets home and sits alone for just a little too long and suddenly a feeling of numbness creeps up before he can do anything against it. 

Actual moments trigger the numbness as well. Tommy will be scrolling on discord, reading other people’s messages when suddenly he sees Wil is online. The urge to reach out to his best friend overwhelms him and Tommy pings him immediately. 

They talk for a few minutes, Tommy endlessly making fun of his friend while the other teases him back just as relentlessly. The boxes and other obsessive thoughts leave his brain long enough to finally feel at peace. Then Tommy sees Wilbur is on another channel, talking about stream ideas with Phil. He could join, but they were already in full conversation, and Tommy didn’t have any ideas anyways. He takes longer and longer to respond to Tommy and the teen hastily deletes an unnecessary message- knowing he is taking up Wil’s time and interest with something he probably doesn’t care about anyways. The ever common whisper of  _ annoying  _ sears through his mind and he stops typing, Wilbur seeming to forget they were talking in the first place. It doesn’t hurt, Tommy knows it’s not meant with any ill-intent, but it doesn’t stop the quiet from invading his mind once again. 

The next time he sees Wil on he doesn’t ping him. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi thanks if you read ; ). stay safe all!


End file.
